Unchanging
Something I've been thinking about lately is the concept of stasis. Sometimes I fear my life will not change. Even worse, sometimes I fear I will be the reason for it. I know there's a lot more I could do to not only be healthy as I am but also to get back to the health I used to know. But at the same time, it's just so much easier to shut down and cave with myself. To enjoy the pleasure now before later, considering the world around us is so fucking stressful. Why live on to see another day if it will just be more exploitation and fighting with the system? It's so so so so stressful, it just makes you want to give up.
But then I think of everything that could be, and it brings on a lot of emotion. The things I kept in mind during all of the hard work I've done up until this point in time. Countless hours of physical therapy and just getting myself to a point where I can understand and cope with feelings better. All of the times I pictured myself older and enjoying life in mundane ways. Like sitting on the porch of my imaginary house and listening to the birds and thinking
"Wow. So it was worth it. All of the suffering finally subsided to allow me to get ahead and get out into the world". But it feels as if that won't come. As time drags on it seems more unattainable as everytime I get a sliver of hope, it all comes crashing down again with the news that there's yet another obstacle that will take months to remedy. I can walk a little, and I always thought that'd be the hardest part. I guess not.
I think all of this is amplified by the fact that I was always told I could do great things. Not even just thinking back to the times I was little, I think back to this really specific day during early senior year. I was at an unremarkable (in the grand scheme) university on a tour. I remember being so eager to get out of this town in that specific time, that the sight of minimal students in masks going into the cafeteria that was under maintenance filled me with this intense hope and longing. Excitement for what would have been mine. Its funny to think that my tumor was along for the ride. Lying in wait for me. It's thoughts like these that make me wonder if maybe I am just tainted by destiny, not allowed to have anything nice in my life, or have anything just go good for me once.
Maybe that's pessimistic, but can you blame me? Every time I get back up I'm beaten right back down again. It sucks that I went to a small school and I know the characters of the people in my senior class, since every time something good happens to one of the most rotten, festering personalities I have ever met, I am filled with rage. And shame at myself for that rage. I think a lot of these complex emotions bring shame for me, because if you told me that was the backstory to a character on TV I would say "I don't blame them!!" but I can't look at myself and say the same thing. Others' expectations put way too much pressure on me.
I didn't mean for this post to get so vent-y, but it felt good so I don't care. It's hard to be scholarly and intellectual with emotionally charged topics. I guess writing for me is still very much tied to the harsh boundaries of school assignments. Idk. I guess I need to quit thinking about the past and look to the future. Only question is... what does my future even look like? I feel like I've got nothing to work with. Sigh....
Featured song of the week- 4EVER by Clairo