Ever-changing, full of ups & downs!
My life has been,,, weird lately. And, welll; my life is always weird, but lately it's just weirder! And it's not even the day-to-day either; I think I am going through a period of insane mental... growth? I am unsure what to call it. I feel ready to take on the world one day and not ready the next.
It's been hard to keep that relationship with myself of 'this is my life to do with what i want!! I'm 21!!', while still living in the house I grew up in. Which sucks because lately all I want to do is move out. To be able to have clean spaces because my brother won't be there to undo it all. To have healthy, nourishing food because my family with their disordered eating won't be there, content with eating in shitty ways. I want to break away from this mold that feels like it keeps trying to tell me I'm just like them. I need the room to grow and discover myself!
Which all sounds very easy until I remember everything that keeps me here. My ostomy which I am unable to care for myself. My ever-changing needs that adhere to my scarred, ruined bladder. My lack of a job. My fear that if I do take a job (say, online), just to make some extra money, that it will exacerbate my depressive tendencies. Basically, I'm scared. It makes sense really, considering my life has been so so scary thus far.
That's the thing about your whole life coming to a screeching halt. Is that the passion and hunger within me that made me have such big dreams in the first place, didn't go away with the cancer. If anything, it just twisted it bigger than it already was and added fear, physical pain, an impossible waiting game... It sucks! It's only been about 3 years of "sitting around waiting" (an ignorant reduction that I feel like people think about me sometime). But it feels like forever. And the longer it goes on, the harder it gets. I've been waiting forever for that cloud to finally lift. To one day hear that the big issues that have been holding me back will now be gone!!! Ta-da! It's hard to bite off a little bit of hope, to try to have life look up, just for it to come crashing right back down again. For example; when I finally was able to stop using my catheter bag that makes me feel extremely self conscious. I was off it for a few months until I fell ill with the norovirus and my colonized bladder spasm-ed and gave me sepsis. Then I needed it back so my kidneys don't quit working.
Maybe this is a big topic of today considering I had my hyperbaric oxygen therapy consultation this Monday. I will be starting it soon. ~90 ft of pressure in pure oxygen for an hour 1/2 a day for eight weeks straight. I am excited. Really excited. But with that also comes the fear that this won't do anything for me and I'll be left right back where I started. It's like, something that is so full of hope is a sharp, double edged sword.
It's weird too, because on all accounts, this should technically work great! They mostly use it on men go figure who have had radiation damage to their bladder from having prostate cancer. But I think I have just gotten so used to things going bad for me. Thinking something is going great, just to be told it's actually not and we need to try something new yet again.
All this to say, there's a LOT of thoughts swirling around my head lately. It's hard to deal with. A lot of emotions. I'm tired of always trying to decipher the thoughts in my head, and feeling no better than where I started!!
Maybe one day I'll actually start to use this blog to write about more mundane, removed things from my life instead of being emo. But today is not that day!
SONG OF THIS POST!~ The Heaviest Matter of the Universe by Gojira